Sunday, December 22, 2013
This is the most potent emotion I have ever felt.
I’ve been driving for a while now…it’s a weird feeling. I feel like I'm suffocating. I've never been someone who needs human interaction at every turn; I actually prefer my own company much of the time. But this is when I need other people the most. I need to feel like people care that I exist. I’m not in a familiar enough place to know of any spots to detour off the highway and say hello to anyone…not only am I alone in this car, but I’m alone in this world. The place where I feel safe, the people I love, who love me, are all hours behind me. I've left all that for a less comfortable place. I’m headed back to where no one is excited for me to arrive; no one is waiting to give me a hug. It's "home," but it’s not home yet, not even close…should I just turn the car around? Why am I going back anyway? I guess I have to...It’s all piling up. I’ve never experienced such a profoundly debilitating loneliness. I turn the music up higher to drown out my own thoughts. I don’t normally cry by myself; I don’t really cry, period. But, oh god, this song couldn’t have come on at a worse time. It makes me teary even when I’m not feeling vulnerable. I try to sing along to stave off the tears, but it triggers the lump in my throat and I overflow. These earth-shattering sobs are reaching into the depths of my body and I feel sick. How long do I have to be patient before I finally feel like I belong in the place where I’m going?